What grief really looks like: reflections on grief counselling from a hospice volunteer

What grief really looks like

Grief is rarely what people expect. It is not always tears or visible sadness. It often shows up as numbness, irritability, exhaustion, guilt, or a sense of relief that can feel hard to admit. Some people stay busy. Others feel flat or disconnected. Many do not recognise what they are feeling as grief at all.

Working closely with grief taught me that these responses are not signs of coping badly. They are normal reactions to loss.

What I learned volunteering in a hospice

During my placement at Hospice in the Weald, I worked with family members and carers. Some were already bereaved. Others were living with the knowledge that someone they loved was dying. Many were grieving long before a death had occurred, adjusting to loss, change, and uncertainty as it unfolded.

I learned that grief can exist long before a death and long after. It often sits quietly beneath the surface, especially when people feel they need to stay strong for others.

Grief does not follow stages

There is a common belief that grief moves in neat stages and that acceptance arrives at the end. In reality, grief moves back and forth. People can feel settled one day and overwhelmed the next. Calm can sit alongside anger. Relief can sit alongside sadness.

There is a model of grief described by Lois Tonkin, which suggests that grief doesn't shrink over time. Instead, life grows around the loss. The rief remains part of the centre, while the world slowly expands around it.

I saw how unhelpful rigid expectations can be. People judged themselves for not grieving in the right way or for taking too long. Much of the work involved helping people let go of the idea that there was a correct way to grieve.

Grief is not only about death

Grief is wider than bereavement. People grieve diagnoses, physical ability, independence, identity, and futures they expected to have. These losses are often invisible to others, which makes them harder to talk about.

When grief is not recognised or named, people often carry it alone. Counselling can offer a place where these quieter losses are taken seriously.

What helps in grief counselling is not fixing

One of the clearest lessons from hospice work was that people rarely need fixing. Advice and reassurance often miss the point. What mattered most was having someone willing to stay present without rushing, reframing, or trying to make things better.

This echoes the work of Kathryn Mannix, who writes about death and dying with clarity and compassion. In her book With the End in Mind, she reminds us that listening, honesty, and presence often matter far more than answers.

She writes that dying, and by extension grief, is something we can learn to face with less fear when we stop turning away from it.

This is what grief counselling offers — not answers, but presence.

How this shapes my counselling work

This experience continues to shape how I work with clients. I do not try to push grief away or speed it up. I do not look for silver linings or lessons. I work at a pace that feels manageable for you.

You do not need to be composed.

You do not need to know what you feel.

You do not need to explain or justify your grief.

There is space for silence, repetition, and uncertainty.

Grief does not end, but it can change

Grief does not disappear. What can change is how much space it takes up and how alone you feel with it. Counselling cannot remove loss, but it can help you carry it differently. It can help you understand how grief is affecting you now and how it shows up in your relationships and daily life.

If you are grieving, you are not behind

Many people come to counselling believing they should be further along. Grief does not work on a timeline. If something has altered your world, it makes sense that it still affects you.

This is work I approach with steadiness, care, and respect for how personal grief is. My hospice experience, alongside the writing and thinking of people like Kathryn Mannix, continues to inform how I sit with people living with loss in all its forms.

Questions you might be sitting with

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

Have you noticed ways grief shows up that surprised you?

Is there a loss in your life that feels hard to name or explain?

If you choose to comment, please only share what feels comfortable. You are also welcome to just read and take what you need.